100 Reasons Why You Should Have Sex With Me
by Gaarin
Summary: Jim's already fallen hard for the Vulcan. He just has to get him into bed now. And how difficult could that be... right? Spirk with Chulu as a side pairing. Rated for suggestive material, language, drinking, and eventually sex. Chapters will be shortish.
1. Reason 1

Kirk adjusted the microphone, and then said into the small recorder, "Is this thing on?"

"Yes," Sulu replied, sounding somewhat bored. "Whenever you're ready, sir."

Kirk nodded, and ran his tongue along the edge of his teeth before speaking loudly, "Captain's log. It is a requiremen-"

"You're supposed to say the Stardate," Uhura interrupted the captain.

Rolling his eyes, Kirk continued on with his spiel. "Stardate... ummm... Stardate unknown."

Uhura made a small noise of frustration but then turned back to her station.

"As I was saying, I've got to do this log, like... twice a mission?" Kirk stopped, considering it. "Um... Yeah, so anyway, prepare for a lot of logging from your awesome Captain, James Kirk."

The word "awesome" earned snickers and eyerolls from various members of the crew. Kirk turned around, and the first person he laid eyes on was Spock. Still speaking into the handheld microphone, he said in an irritated voice, "Are you questioning my awesomeness?"

Spock raised an eyebrow and did not reply.

Kirk wheeled around in his chair, now visibly annoyed. "Sorry from the distraction, listeners from the future. That was just my sexy Vulcan First Officer, Mr. Spock."

Silence fell on the ship as everyone wondered if perhaps they had gone temporarily insane or deaf.

Spock stepped forward, and leaned over Kirk's shoulder. "Captain. A word."

Kirk faked a loud, bored sigh and said, "Yes, Mr. Spock?"

He turned around, and Spock instantly leaned back. "I disapprove of the terminology that you have used to describe me."

Shrugging, Kirk turned back to the mike. "You're just pissy 'cause you know it's true. I'm awesome and you're sexy, and if we hooked up it'd just be..." He paused, searching for a word. "...the most _optimal _fuck ever."

Sulu and Uhura were laughing out loud at this point, while Chekhov and most of the other crew members had dropped jaws and wide eyes. Everyone had known that Kirk had had the hots for Spock for a long time, but nobody had ever expected him to do anything about it.

Spock relayed no emotions, and simply replied, "Shouldn't you continue your log?"

"I am, Mr. Spock. This is," he tapped the microphone, "all on tape. So if there's anything you'd like to say or _do_ to me, please know that it's on the record."

Spock straightened his back, and said, "Fine then. Let me make something clear." The Vulcan stepped in front of Jim and then said clearly into the microphone, enunciating every word, "Captain, I _will_ _**not**_ have intercourse with you. My mind fails to conceive one logical reason why I should do so."

Kirk stood up, and stared the Vulcan directly in the eyes. "Here's a reason for you. I'm James T. fucking Kirk!"

Spock raised his eyebrow again. "I said logical reasoning, Captain. But if you cannot think of reasons that are any more logical than that, then I would require, at the least, one hundred more persuasions of that calibre before you and I would _ever_..." He paused, and said in his usual monotone voice, "fuck."

Kirk's frown turned into a wide grin. "All right. I'll take that bet. I will give you one hundred reasons to have sex with me, Spock. And then..." He stopped, and looked around, realizing all his crew members were listening to him. In fact, Scotty seemed to have apparated from Engineering to come and gawk at their current conversation, which, Kirk realized only now, was maybe a bit odd to be having on the bridge in front of everyone. But the human shrugged, and fixed Spock with his best, most seductive smirk. "Well, then we'll see what happens."

He then turned around and said in his commanding voice, "Now, everyone back to your stations before I throw you into space!" As all the various red-shirts scurried away, Kirk sat back in his chair, and spoke with obvious satisfaction in his voice, "Kirk out."

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><p><strong>AN: **And, yes. There _are_ going to be 100 chapters in this fic.

Reviews would be awesome, but I'm going to keep updating it whether or not I get them. :)


	2. Reason 2

"Captain's log," Jim spoke, tossing the microphone from hand to hand as he swung his legs back and forth in his captain's chair.

Immediately, every crew member on the bridge perked up at the sound of the words, and looked over, interested to see what Jim would say this time.

"We are circling around the... What galaxy are we in, Lieutenant Uhura?"

Uhura rolled her eyes, and replied, "You've got to be kidding m-"

"Yeah, yeah, I'm just joking. Keep your shirt on," Jim interrupted. "Anyway, we're not on a mission right now. So I figured it'd be a good time to continue Operation GISP."

"GISP, sir?" questioned Sulu nervously.

"Get Into Spock's Pants. An operation, that, so far, is going unsuccessfully." Jim frowned.

Bones, who had just walked out of the elevator, said with a disgruntled expression, "Wait... you were serious about that?"

"Yeah, totally," Jim said, spinning around in his chair to face the Chief Medical Officer.

Bones said with some amusement in his voice, "So what's your next reason?"

"Ahh," Kirk replied with a smile. "It's a pretty good one." He pressed a small button on his communicator that would page his First Officer, and then spoke. "Mr. Spock, would you come to the bridge please?"

Spock's voice came through the small machine. "Why are you addressing me in that particular tone of voice? Have you been incapacitated or otherwise harmed in some way, Captain?"

Jim smiled, and then pouted a little as he said his next sentence. "No... I just miss you."

Bones could not restrain a chuckle.

"Captain, your behaviour is completely unprofessional," Spock's voice replied. "Do you truly require my services, or are you merely requesting my company for foolish reasons?"

Jim cleared his throat, and said in a serious voice, "Spock, as your captain I command you to come to the bridge at once."

Immediately Spock replied, "Affirmative, Captain. On my way."

In a matter of minutes, Spock was stepping through the doors and onto the bridge. "What's happening?"

Jim smirked. "Foolish things."

Spock drew himself up to his full height, and said irritatedly, "Captain, I will not be subject to your useless games."

"Has anyone ever told you you're sexy when you're angry?"

The Vulcan replied with a total pokerface, "No."

Jim rolled his eyes, and then said, "Anyway, that's reason number two. You're hot. And not just when you're angry, you're always hot."

If Jim hadn't known better, he could have sworn that a light green tinge appeared on Spock's pale cheeks at this, setting off the color in his eyes and showing how truly touched he was by the compliment he'd just received from his awesome captai-

"You're going to have to do better than that," Spock said, unfazed as ever.

The smirk returned to Jim's lips, and he replied without hesitating, "Oh, don't worry. I will."

Spock turned around, ending the conversation by walking off the bridge.

Jim focused back on his ship, and heard Bones, who was by this point struggling to hold in what looked like a fit of laughter.

"Calm down, Bones, or I swear to God I will give you a hypo," Jim said casually, turning back to face the front of the ship. He was already planning out another idea.

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><p><strong>AN: **Thanks for the review, Anon. :D Thanks for reading, everyone who didn't review! I'll post the next chapter soon-ish. Happy holidays!


	3. Reason 3

"Captain's log, supplemental," Jim said into his communicator as he rounded the corner, heading down to Engineering. He spotted an attractive looking blonde working on some part of the internal workings of the ship. He didn't have a clue what she was doing, after all, he wasn't an engineer. She was wearing a red shirt, and she raised an eyebrow as he walked over to her.

"Proceeding with the next step of Operation GISP now," Jim whispered, shutting off the communicator and shoving it into his pocket.

* * *

><p>Five minutes later, a satisfied-looking captain walked onto the bridge, with said blonde beside him, with an arm around her shoulder and a smile on her face.<p>

"Who's that, Jim?" said Bones warily, who had just been talking to Uhura.

"This is Deborah," Jim answered with a smile.

"_Barbara_," the girl corrected, her smile growing a little strained.

"Sure, sure, whatever. Anyway, I just met her- what, five minutes ago, sweetheart?"

"Uh-huh," the blonde replied.

"And she's already fallen for me hard, Dr. McCoy," Jim sighed romantically, winking at the girl.

Bones could see Barbara trying her hardest not to roll her eyes.

"And you know why that is, Leonard?"

Irritated, the doctor replied, "You haven't called me that in yea-"

"Because I'm so undeniably attractive," Jim cut off his medical officer, beaming. "In fact, I'm so very attractive that... well, this is all a ruse!" He raised his arm from around the girl's shoulders. "Surprise! Barbie here actually can't be in a relationship with me."

"I have a boyfriend," the red-shirt muttered, ignored by her loud captain.

"As much as she wants to be, she can't. But she did all this anyway, because-"

"-because you're my captain, and you paid me five bucks," Barbara cut in, annoyed.

Paying no heed to the blonde's comments, Jim concluded, "-because I'm so hot! Wouldn't you agree, Mr. Spock?"

Spock raised his head from his station, and looked over. "Pardon me, Captain? I failed to catch that."

"Oh, it's nothing, I'm just..." Jim stopped, and then pretended to notice his own attractiveness for the first time ever. "I'm... huh. I am _really_ hot, aren't I?"

Suddenly catching on, Bones said, stepping forward, "Goddamnit, Jim, please tell me this isn't the next of your stupid 'reasons'."

"But it is! I'm really hot! Therefore, bed me!"

Spock murmured something akin to 'not even going to humor him with a response' and then turned back to his work.

"Can I leave now?" Barbara asked boredly.

"Fine, get back to work," Jim said without turning to look. The blonde rolled her eyes and left.

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><p><strong>AN: **Thank you all so much for the reviews! :D I love all of youuu.

I'm going to keep writing. I have about 26 reasons so far, and more keep coming to me... honestly it would be harder to think of reasons why Kirk and Spock _shouldn't_ fuck. But I'm sure I'm going to run out of gay eventually, so if anyone wants to contribute, please! :D


	4. Reason 4

Sulu spun around in his chair, fairly bored. He was playing around with the settings on his PADD, as he had nothing better to do at the moment. The Enterprise wasn't on any missions, and they were basically just cruising right now, peacefully and aimlessly. _Kirk isn't even in his chair_, Sulu thought to himself with a chuckle. He was probably off thinking up more ridiculous reasons to get into Spock's uniform.

_Why Spock, of all the people in the universe?_ The Vulcan had always seemed... well, frigid to Sulu. _Stingy, a prude, a bit of a smart-ass... Not exactly what Jim usually went for._

Sulu shook his head of the thought, and then stopped spinning his chair by extending a foot and catching onto the edge of his station. The helmsman felt someone's gaze on him, but pretended not to notice as he leaned forward and began typing commands into the computer system.

After about two minutes, Sulu couldn't ignore the staring anymore, and straightened up without looking at the person. "Pavel, you should get back to work."

"Ahh, sorry, sorry, Mr. Sulu," the Russian squeaked, immediately returning to his work.

Sulu snuck a glance out of the corner of his eye, and saw that the boy was tapping away hurriedly at his computer, and looked flustered and flushed. Sulu grinned, and replied, "Call me Hikaru."

"S-Sorry, Mister Hikaru," Chekov corrected himself, looking over quickly to meet Sulu's gaze and then looking back to his work.

_See now, Chekov_, Hikaru thought, _Chekov is adorable. Chekov is the kind of guy I'd expect someone like Kirk to prefer, but no, he goes for Spock. Crazy._

As if on cue, Jim stepped onto the bridge, smiling brightly. "Good morning, everybody!"

Nobody replied immediately, except Sulu, who deadpanned, "It's two in the afternoon, sir."

"It's morning somewhere, Sulu," Jim beamed. "Now, _where_ is my man?"

"You mean Mr. Spock," Uhura commented, raising both eyebrows.

"Yes," Jim confirmed, "Where is he?"

A voice rang out from behind Jim, who was still standing in the doorway. "I don't know the location of 'your man', Captain, but I, regrettably, am right here."

Jim whirled around, and said excitedly, "Spock!"

The Vulcan made to move around the officer, but Jim leaned not-so-casually to whatever side of the door he tried to pass through. Eventually, Spock gave up, and turned around, walking the other direction.

"Hey! Spock!" Jim followed his first officer away from the bridge, down a narrow, empty hallway.

* * *

><p>After a while, Jim caught up with Spock. He tapped the Vulcan's shoulder, and the male turned shockingly fast, taking Jim by surprise. "<em>What<em> is it, Captain?"

Jim stopped, and stood still for a moment. He was face-to-face with the Vulcan, and this time Jim was positive it wasn't just his imagination that had colored in light green streaks along the upper part of Spock's cheeks. Spock was flushed for whatever reason, and it was the most adorable thing he'd ever seen.

Jim wanted to brush back an errant strand that had broken free from Spock's uniform bangs, and then move forward, knuckles lightly brushing against Spock's cheekbones, and press their lips together. It would be soft, and chaste, and probably Spock's first kiss with a guy, and then they would move into a deeper kiss-

"Captain?" Spock actually sounded a little worried, which brought Jim out of the small fantasy he was beginning in his head.

"Y-yeah. Um. Anyway." Jim could feel his face growing hot, and so he said quickly, "Never mind. I can tell you later. You're not needed on the bridge right now, g-go check on Bones or something."

The captain abruptly turned on his heel, and walked back to the bridge, inwardly cursing.

_What just even happened?_

* * *

><p>After a couple minutes, Jim was back into full-on time-for-captain-duties mode, which was significantly less fun than time-for-Jim-half-assing-captain-duties mode. He was currently talking with Sulu about new upgrades to some part of Engineering that would help the ship be about a billionth of a percent more efficient.<p>

"It's not worth the work for the Ensigns. I honestly don't care if it's the latest thing, they could spend all that energy shoveling coal into steam engines and it'd help the ship go faster than this stupid new thing does. So I'm not going to make it required work for anyone."

Sulu nodded, and turned around to start announcing a bulletin to all members of Engineering to ignore Starfleet's new upgrades to specific parts of the ship for now at least.

Jim sighed and ran a hand through his hair, when suddenly he heard a familiar voice from behind him.

"Captain?"

Jim jumped about a foot, almost knocking the top of his head into Spock's jaw. "Sp-Spock! Scared the living crap out of me. What is it?"

"Nothing, it's just... you said you had something to tell me later. It is later."

He gave Spock a skeptical look and eyed the clock. "Yeah. A couple hours later, not eight minutes later."

"Would you like me to come back in a couple of hours?" Spock asked, completely serious.

Sighing, Jim shook his head. "No. Spock... do you know who'd be hot if they were to sleep together?"

Spock replied, "I think I know your answer to this one, unfortunately."

"No, I'm totally serious. I think it'd be the hottest thing ever if we were to fuck. Can you picture it? Tell me you can't see it-"

"I can't see it," Spock replied, turning to leave the bridge.

Jim smiled, and shook his head once more as Spock walked away, muttering to himself, "Bullshit."

* * *

><p><strong>AN: **Reviewers! Where are you guys coming from? I love youu! :D

Oh, by the way, Sulu


	5. Reason 5

"Captain's log, supplemental," Jim spoke. "We're still chasing our tails around this stupid galaxy. Boring as hell." He took a bite out of one of his trademarked green apples, and then called to his Chief Medical Officer, who was currently talking with Uhura. "Bones!"

"Yeah?" Bones replied, looking up.

"When's shore leave?" Jim asked, still chewing.

The doctor rolled his eyes, and said angrily, "A month and seven days, you idiot."

Jim let out a loud groan of discontentment, and then rolled his head back, letting it hang over the back of his chair. "I'm so _booooored_." Suddenly, he sat straight up, and repeated, "Bones!"

"What?" Bones answered, exasperated.

"I need your help with something! Come on!" He stood up, and ran to the door. "Spock, you take the wheel while I'm out!"

Confused, Spock muttered, "What wheel?" but Jim had already left.

Uhura rolled her eyes, and explained, "Sit in the captain's chair, Spock."

The Vulcan did so.

* * *

><p>Later that day, Kirk returned, with a gigantic grin on his face. He walked over to his chair with an obvious skip in his step, and then sat down, kicking his legs up playfully once he'd done so and swinging them back and forth, whistling joyfully.<p>

A few moments later, Bones came back to the bridge, with a look of utmost horror upon his face. He walked to his seat, staring into space, and then sat down hard on his chair. He stayed like that for an instant, and then slowly looked over to Kirk, before shuddering over-dramatically and turning to his station.

"What happened?" Uhura voiced the question on everybody's mind.

Bones and Kirk replied at the same time, "Hell" and "Nothing".

They made eye contact, and then Kirk smiled mischievously, and Bones shuddered once more.

Off to the side, Spock was watching the interactions, not really paying attention. He was tapping his fingers rhythmically on his knee, something that was highly out of character for the Vulcan. Kirk noticed, because he was Kirk and he noticed these things.

"What's wrong, Mr. Spock?" Kirk called to his first officer, raising an eyebrow and tilting his head to the side slightly.

Spock shrugged, something else that was very strange for Spock. Kirk stood up, and walked over to him. "What's the matter? You look like..." He paused.

There was a moment of silence as Spock deliberately looked at his work, and Kirk stared at his tapping fingers. Spock could almost _hear_ the gears working in Kirk's head. Slowly, reluctantly, he turned his head to look at his captain.

Another moment of silence, and then Spock prompted, "Yes?"

Suddenly, Kirk got it, and he looked shocked and delighted and dubious and triumphant all at once. "You look like you're waiting for something."

Effortlessly, Spock kept a total pokerface, and replied, "I do not know what you refer to, Captain."

Kirk walked back to his chair, and Spock exhaled slightly.

"I bet... you're waiting for the reason of the day!" Kirk announced it like he was the host of some game show, smiling.

Spock did not reply.

"Well, you'll have to wait a little longer, Spock, because Bones doesn't have what I need yet!"

Bones, who had just been beginning to look a little happier, suddenly looked sick again.

"What _were_ you guys doing?" Sulu interjected curiously.

Kirk said with a smile, "Oh, you'll see."

Spock cut in to the conversation, changing the topic. "Captain, we are receiving a transmission from a nearby Starfleet vessel. They wish to open communication. Would you like to do so?"

With ease, Kirk slipped into professional mode, and said, pointing two fingers at the screen, "On screen."

A brunette woman in a Starfleet uniform appeared in front of the crew. "Captain Kirk," she acknowledged. "How are you?"

The question seemed a little out of place, but Kirk replied with a smile and a "Fine, thanks. You?"

"I am well." She paused, and then folded her hands together, stretching the fingers. "I'm calling about some... bizarre captain's logs that Starfleet has picked up from your ship. They contained... profanities." The female captain eyed Kirk awkwardly, and then coughed slightly. "Amongst other things."

Kirk went pale for a moment, and then gulped audibly, and put on his best winning smile. "I'll... uh... won't happen again."

The brunette nodded stiffly, and then went offline without any warning. Kirk stared into the stars suddenly floating across the display screen, where the woman had been a moment ago.

There was a moment of silence on the bridge, and then Bones and Uhura simultaneously burst into laughter.

Kirk crossed his arms, and said stubbornly, pouting only slightly, "That was rude."

Sulu shrugged, and replied casually, "Not really, sir. She was just doing her job."

The captain sighed, and then said, "Yeah, but did she have to be such a bitch about it? I mean, who was she, anyway?"

Uhura replied, "She's your superior. So you probably shouldn't refer to her as a bitch, sir."

Rolling his eyes, Kirk said, "Okay, fine. Note to self: don't call bitch lady a bitch. Now can we all get back to work, please?"

Everyone nodded, and did so. Bones headed off to Medical.

Turning to the helmsman sitting beside him, Chekov murmured, "Do you think this stuff happens on other starships too, Hikaru?"

Sulu responded without looking up, "Not a chance."

* * *

><p>A day and a half later, Bones was feeling slightly less mentally molested as he walked down the hallway, a file in his hand that had a lot of papers in it. Like, a <em>lot<em>. Bones wondered why Jim had asked for all these specific things, but no, nope, never mind, abort, that was another thing he didn't need to think about.

Leonard McCoy was not a squeamish person. He really wasn't. He'd performed detailed surgeries on almost every single part of the body you could think of. In medical school, when they'd given him the fake heart, he hadn't been grossed out at all. He was a doctor, goddamnit.

But even he couldn't handle the torture that Jim had made him go through. No man could. It was something that no man should ever have to do to anyone, let alone his best friend, let alone a man that he'd be seeing almost every day for the rest of his foreseeable life.

Bones shuddered yet again, and wondered if he'd ever be able to look at Jim the same way again.

Somehow, he doubted it.

He walked onto the bridge, and said, "Jim, you'd better thank me for this. You owe me." The doctor walked over to the captain, handing him the file.

Kirk opened the file, and then grinned widely, flipping through the pages. "I love you."

Bones made a scoffing noise, because how did you even reply to that without accidentally barfing all over your captain. He then made to leave, but Kirk commanded, "Wait!" He flipped through the remainder of the folder, scanning through it quickly, and then grinned, passing it back to Bones.

Sulu was the first crew member to speak up. "Okay, I'll bite. What's in the folder, Captain?"

Kirk began to flip through the papers once more, naming obscure words that left most of the crew at an utter loss. "Phacagulation- clear, santorites- clea-"

Uhura interrupted, her voice an octave higher than usual. "_Santorites_? Why would he be checking for those?" The xenolinguist looked nauseated by the word.

"I get around." Kirk waggled his eyebrows lewdly.

"What are santorites?" Chekov asked innocently.

Kirk grinned before answering, "A sexually transmitted disease. Very rare. Only a few species have them."

There was a period of silence while everyone figured it out.

"So you just got him to check for everything, then?" Sulu asked, sounding far too amused.

"Yup. I had to make sure I was clean."

Everyone turned to the doctor, and Bones considered raising his phaser to his head and blasting himself to pieces out of pure ugly embarrassment.

Spock raised his voice, sounding almost hesitant. "Is that the next reason why we should copulate?"

Kirk nodded, excited that Spock had got it. "I'm clean as a virgin. Which is funny, considering-"

"Okay, _stop_," Bones said, turning abruptly and leaving. "I'm done." He walked off the bridge, half steaming with anger and half wanting to barf.

Before the doors shut, the doctor heard Spock say something along the lines of "That was quite possibly the worst reason yet" and Kirk say "Oh, I'm glad you enjoyed the rest."

Bones went off to go find a bottle of brain bleach.

* * *

><p><strong>(AN)**: GUYS. One of my favourite people ever, sparkleysuperstargenius, makes audio posts of herself reading these aloud on Tumblr. It made my life. Okay, that's all.


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